Fang Me!

Confession: Sometimes I secretly wish to be a vampire. Well, mostly a vampire. I don't want to suck blood or kill, I just want the fangs and the red eyes. The low grumble that starts somewhere deep within my chest and comes out as a sinister and menacing growl would be quite lovely also.

Here's why:

1.Abruptly stop a budding confrontation with a customer service employee. Flash the red eyes.

2.Help the hub to quickly arrive at the conclusion my way is the best way. Produce an irritable growl.

3.Convince my children obedience on the first request is the best bet. Curl my upper lip. Show the fangs.

4. Demonstrate to my children that running away is not effective and almost always induces deeper anger by the mother. Leap in front of fleeing child and crouch to an attack position.

5. Resist the hub's predatory kissing and hugging. What? It's mildly inconvenient when I'm trying to fold laundry and my mind is still mulling over the most recent explosion from our five year old. Demonstrate my lightning speed and then tell him to run. It's time for him to be the prey.

6. Make dinner, feed the baby, move a load from the washer to the dryer, and check my email at the same time. Again, super human speed done in a smooth and fluent manner.

7. Assist the road rager in understanding he should not have tailgated me and then noticeably thrown his arm in the air while passing me. Flash the eyes, show the teeth.

8. Save $736.29/yr on groceries. I may not want to, but I would inevitably need to be nourished by a liquid diet.