This is private.

I'm a very private person.  Maybe a better word for it is uber modest.  That's German for extreme.  When I was in Kindergarten I remember sitting behind a little girl during an assembly in the gym.  Her underwear was showing at the top of her pants and her shirt was crawling up her back.  I stopped paying attention to the show up front and instead started wondering how this little girl could not feel her shirt up and her underwear out and her skin exposed.  Am I the only person in the world who notices a draft on my skin?


 I wear long tanks frequently under the rest of my clothing to ensure nothing will be exposed when I bend over.  In the winter I do it mostly to protect my lower back against intrusive cold drafts of air.  I'm a tucker, not a hanger.  I almost always have to have something tucked into my pants.  A few weeks ago I was on our roof hanging Christmas lights. I realized when I bent over there was a very chilly burst of air on my back. I stopped fiddling with the lights, climbed back through my bedroom window, and readjusted my clothing.  Who's to say if a driver could have spotted my bare back from the road, but I wasn't going to risk it!

 I don't go to a public restroom with a throng of other women. "Britt, party of 5.  The stalls are available and now ready for use.  Britt, party of 5."  If I need to use the facility then I excuse myself quietly. I also do not like to talk while I'm in the stall.  I don't use the cell phone during this personal time either. Sometimes if someone I know is using the restroom at the same time I try to go slower so as to not make eye contact with the person at the sinks.  Sounds happen and I don't want the look that says, "I know what you were doing in there. You should really get that checked out."

I refuse to talk about body functions with other people in very specific terms like it's the latest news headline.  I don't allow my children to name their waste nor mention it jokingly and for that matter we aren't too keen on the kids knowing what their parts are really called.  Private, I'm very private.   

Is it any surprise then that I have children who defy me and my wish to remain private and prudish?  One of our daughters role plays while in the bathroom and puts her legs up on the chair in primary. I'm certain the rest of the primary has caught on to why I intensely whisper her name.  Magically her legs drop down once she hears me.  Our other daughter hums her favorite hymn while using the bathroom. When she is not humming she wants to converse with me through the door of our half bath to the kitchen where I'm making dinner.  I unbuttoned our youngest son's pajamas the other morning to dress him for the day to find there was no diaper on his behind.  It was stuffed down one leg of his pjs.

The king of them all is our number #3 who walks out completely naked below the belt at least 4 times a day.  There is no shame or embarrassment for this kid. In fact, I have caught him standing in front of the TV watching parts of a movie completely oblivious to his nakedness.  There is no reaction from his siblings either except for a request to move so they can see the movie, too.  

 Just as soon as we sat down in the chapel yesterday for church I was up again walking hand in hand with our near 4 year old to the restroom.

Upon entering the women's bathroom:
"Mom, this isn't a boy bathroom. I'm not supposed to go in here."


Walking into the handicap stall (let's be honest-- two people in a minuscule stall puts us at a disadvantage):
"Oh! Mom! This is my own bathroom?"
"No, this is just a bathroom inside the church for everyone to use."
"No! This is my own bathroom just for me! It's so big! This is awesome!"
"Okay buddy. Let's get this done so we can go back to church."


Once he's on the throne:
 "Mom, you sit down right there on the bench and wait for me."
"Mom! I'm so proud of you. I kept my underwear dry! Now I get a treat! Yay!"


"That's great buddy.  Are you done?"


"No, mom. I still have p--p in my bum. Just sit on the bench and wait for me."
 "So, mom. I'm going to get Woody and Rex for Christmas. Isn't that cool? And I also want Evil Dr. Pork Chop the airplane!"


"Santa is going to bring those things to you for Christmas?"


"Well, I just want them.  Is this a bathroom for big boys?  I'm a big boy! I'm bigger en dad!"


"Shh. You need to whisper. Are you done?"


"No, I just need to get some toilet paper and hold onto it.  Is tomorrow Christmas because I want a Buzz Lightyear scooter? Can I just have a Buzz Lightyear flashlight mom?"


"Are you done buddy?"


"Not yet! This bathroom is so big. I just need to sit here a little bit longer. Just wait okay, mom?"


"Are you all done now?"


"Um, yeah, I guess I am."

By the time we reentered the chapel the opening hymn had been sung, announcements made, new callings sustained, and the sacrament hymn was coming to a close.  As the little man and I walked in #2 passed us going out and informed me she needed to use the bathroom.  I promptly denied her request and scurried both of the kids into our pew.  Needless to say there were tears during the passing of the sacrament.